Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
