i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
