Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
