DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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