Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
