allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
a search helicopter?!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
