Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
