Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
