Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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