Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
