last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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