In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
