YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
