So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
