i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
