I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you win again, gameday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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