can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
