The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
