I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
