Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
