Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
