he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
