Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
