Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
