i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
