Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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