Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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