I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
