I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
