I am in a vortex of obligation.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
