non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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