I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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