I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
