im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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