How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
