Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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