Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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