I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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