Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I cannot find my penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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