i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
