If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
