Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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