Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
