Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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