Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
