Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
