I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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