why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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