have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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