i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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