bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
